The sun drifted lazily towards the western horizon. A lone figure on horseback rode steadily towards the south; the shadow it cast became a grotesque parody of both animal and man.
Aladdin found the steady plod plod
It’s a super horse. It’s doesn’t just plod, it plod plods!
of his horse
Okay, we’re into the first sentence and there’ s plothole: Alladin does not ride horses. He eiither walks/jumps/runs/random acrobatics or rides the carpet.
This is pretty fast to get to a plothole even for Disney
hypnotic and his mind wandered far afield.
Mind: Gone Fishing
Mind: Hey I wonder what’s going on over here… oh, more sand.
It must be pretty far away. There are no fields anywhere near Agrabah
It was odd being on his own,
It’s not just odd… it’s a plothole.
without one or more of his friends around.
Al never goes anywhere without someone. He at least takes his monkey with him everywhere.
Yet, it felt right, somehow.
It’s the second paragraph and this story’s already broken character. Is that a record or something?
It reminded him of everything had had gained,
Who had had gained? And what kind of tense is that?
and allowed him the opportunity to get back in touch with himself.
Self: Don’t touch me there!
Aladdin pushed his turban back and looked up at the sun.
I hate to sound like a nit-pick, especially a Disney nit-pick, but since when did Al wear a turban?
Heck, where exactly is he going? He doesn’t exactly take leisure trips in the middle of nowhere
A couple more hours of light left.
Sentence with no verb
No matter how comforting the solitude,
Which, considering Alladin, wasn’t comforting at all
he would be glad to get home to his friends.
That’s like saying ‘The Beatles were on drugs’ or ‘Hungry people want to eat.’
He found he almost missed Genie's antics and Iago's rants.
Well, duh. That’s the ending to about a third of the episodes.
But most of all he missed Jasmine.
Good, because any other pairing would be just plain wrong
He pulled his turban back on straight
How do you have a straight turban? I thought they were round.
as a lazy, content smiled curved his lips upward—
I’d be worried if his smile did something else.
Something gray zipped in front of him and disturbed his thoughts.
Oh, goody, a Disney character with disturbed thoughts.
He pulled up hard as it flew in front of him a second time.
‘Pulled up?’ Is this a flying horse?
The horse bucked and sidled nervously as he drew his sword and swatted at the thing with the blade.
…Taking off the horse’s head. Way to go Alladin
Alladin does not use a sword. Any moron knows that.
It flew at his horse's face and the stallion reared back with a scream. When he regained control of the beast,
He’s still on it? How is that possible? Did someone play a prank and superglue him to the seat?
the creature hung in the air nearby,
What creature? The gray thing? The horse? I wasn’t told about a creature before.
just out of striking range and Aladdin got a good look at it.
"Xerxes!" he cried and spurred his horse forward and bringing his sword to bear.
I’m not sure what he did, but whichever way I read it, it sounds usesless
"What are you doing here?"
Swimming
Cameoing
Suffering from being in a bad fic
…Don’t you usually ask the villains what they’re doing there, not the flunkies?
The eel drifted backward, his face reflecting indecision.
So it’s one o’ them newfangled mirror-eels
He was plainly unhappy to see Aladdin,
…Most things from foreign places are pissed at Al. He should try harder at making friends.
but agitated about something else as well. He looked back over his shoulder then flipped and swam at Aladdin.
"Aladdin, come. Mozenrath, hurt."
"Characterization down toilet. Xerxes want out of stupid fic"
The eel circled Aladdin's head before halting before him.
If he had circled Alladin’s head three times, he would have fallen asleep.
"I'll bet 'Mozenrath hurt.'
Has that eel ever lied to you?
Well, I'm not falling into any trap that he's come up with this time."
No, you’re going to charge right into it after knowing exactly what it is
Aladdin turned his horse and made as if to ride away.
But didn’t really
Xerxes flew around and wrapped himself around Aladdin's wrist.
"Hey! Let go!" He tried to shake the eel off.
Xerxes uncurled and hovered in front of Aladdin.
What? You ask it and it does it? What kind of silly villain’s sidekick is this?
"No trap. Master hurt, injured. Back there. Aladdin help!"
Xerxes is smarter than this. He’d piss off Alladin and get Alladin to chase him to get him to follow.
The import of what Xerxes was saying registered.
…And suddenly this fic has to do with accounting for some odd reason.
"Mozenrath's hurt?"
He catches on slow even for a Disney hero. Sad.
Xerxes nodded, bobbing up and down as he did so. "Xerxes, if this is a trick--"
--It wouldn’t be out of character.
Xerxes shook his head. "No trick. Master hurt! Aladdin, come!"
Alladin: Oh, hey, less work for me then.
He swam off back the way he had come then turned and waited for Aladdin.
What is it boy? Did Mozenrath fall down a well?
Aladdin sheathed his sword.
That sounds immensely dirty
At least it’s all for safe sex
"I'm going to regret this, I just know it," he muttered as he turned his horse.
I did on the first paragraph.
Why shouldn’t you? It’s not fair for only the audience to suffer from a bad fic
He followed the eel through some twisted rocks and into a low, narrow wadi. The walls closed in and forced him to dismount and go on foot.
Alladin or the eel?
As he rounded the corner of a large rock that was wedged between the walls of the wadi, a blast blew fragments from the rock and sent them zinging by his face.
"Hey!" he cried as he fell back
Xerxes flowed past him. "No, Master! Xerxes get help!"
"What makes you think I need help, Xerxes? I don't need help." The voice shook in obvious contradiction to that statement.
Voices shake?
None of that really contradicts itself. Or does it count as contradictory to contradiction when there is nothing to contradict?
"Mozenrath!" Aladdin called.
Well duh. When exactly has one villain told you another villain was hurt and led you to them?
"Who's there?" came the response.
You didn’t say knock knock
Aladdin took a breath and edged around the boulder. "It's me."
Me who?
Mozenrath looked at him. He was lying against a pile of rocks, dressed in what had once been dark finery,
But was now something else?
but now torn,
That’s just torn finery. Silk doesn’t become burlap when it gets rips in it
covered with rock dust,
As opposed to some other kind of dust?
Angel dust maybe?
and stained with blood.
Considering that this is a villain, that could be anybody’s blood
Mozenrath's pale features were ashen
The difference being?
under the smear of blood that trickled from a gash on his head. His eyes glittered brightly with pain and he laughed feebly as he saw Aladdin.
I don’t really remember Mozenrath as being one of those villains that laughs at every tiny little thing. That’d be one of the dumber ones.
Probably one without a flunky
"Aladdin."
"Jane!" "Dr.Scot!" "Rocky!"
…Bullwinkle
"…John…"
"…Martha…"
What no one states the obvious to Xerxes? Don’t eels have rights too?
He smiled crookedly, but pain turned it to a grimace.
The difference being what exactly?
"Well, isn't this grand? The last person I expected."
No, the last person you would expect would be one of those stereotypical Vikings that smell bad.
He looked at Xerxes in irritation. "Your idea of help leaves much to be desired, Xerxes."
Such as… help.
"Xerxes find only Aladdin. Aladdin help."
How? When? Where?
Mozenrath gestured impatiently and ignored his familiar.
That’s not a familiar. He doesn’t possess it. He doesn’t see through it. He doesn’t turn into it. It’s the equivalent of a slimy plush toy: useless and pettable
"Why don't you join me, Aladdin?
In dying? I think he’ll pass on that one
I was just about to conjure up a little feast--" He broke off and his face twisted.
You killed Mozenrath!
You bastard!
Xerxes hovered over his master and watched Aladdin with wary yet concerned eyes.
You mean, he has the option to watch Alladin with something other than his eyes?
Wary yet concerned? You mean those aren’t synonyms?
Mozenrath leaned his head back against the rocks and shut his eyes.
Usually people pass out and trail off at the same time
Aladdin took a cautious step forward, wary of both the sorcerer and the treacherous footing. There was no response from Mozenrath, and when he reached his side he saw why.
Who reached whose side? Just beause there’s two guys and an eel doesn’t mean the options are so limited it’s easy to figure out.
The sorcerer had passed out.
This episode brought to you by the word ‘Obvious’
Sweat dotted his brow and there was a liquid quality to his breathing that boded ill.
Heck, I’d say it boded illNESS
Um, I think that means he’s gonna die without surgery
Aladdin knelt by Mozenrath and looked him over.
He already did. Why exactly is he double-checking? Does he think Mozenrath faked having nearly died and passing out from severe blood loss?
His eye fell on the gauntlet.
So he picked it up and put it back
Who’s eye? Can we have a few more proper nouns?
Taking a deep breath,
And then giving it back, because he was a nice guy
Aladdin slipped it off. He couldn't help shivering as his fingers brushed the cold, bare bone of Mozenrath's decimated hand.
‘Decimated’ would mean there’s still nine/tenths of the arm there.
Xerxes flew at him. "That Mozenrath's! Give back!"
Grammar lack. Sentence not.
Aladdin batted him away. "Just taking the fangs out of his bite, that's all. I'll give it back--eventually."
Alladin’s not THAT stupid.
Xerxes glowered at him. Aladdin waited while the eel settled around Mozenrath's shoulders, then he examined the other quickly.
Other what? Shoulder? Glove? Eel? Mozenrath?
For all we know, he could be looking at another Alladin.
A long jagged gash on his leg seeped blood,
Things seep, but they don’t seep other things.
and Aladdin was sure that there were two, maybe three, broken ribs.
But, thanks to the Author’s confusing sentences, for all we know, they could just be three random broken bones lying in a pile on some rocks.
As Aladdin was cleaning and binding Mozenrath's leg,
With WHAT exactly? Magic?
the sorcerer came around, forced to consciousness by a fit of coughing. Aladdin held his shoulders as the coughing racked him.
Alladin’s not exactly that generous. At least not to people who have tried several times to kill him.
The fit passed and Mozenrath leaned back,
On what? Alladin? Aren’t these guys getting cozy.
wiping blood from his mouth.
Well, that was a pointless paragraph. It’s be better just to say he woke up coughing.
"I need some things from my horse."
Can we have a name attached to the dialog please?
Aladdin left the sorcerer and went back to his horse. He rummaged through his saddlebags for Genie's lamp,
AFTER performing first aid on severe wounds that need complicated medical attention?
but couldn't find it. He paused in thought;
It must be a long pause, considering this fic
he was sure he packed the lamp for emergencies.
For Alladin, running out of crackers is a genie-requiring emergency
Perhaps he had changed his mind at the last minute and left it with Jasmine.
The last time he lost track of that lamp, Jafar got it. I don’t think he’d be so casual about where he left it.
He shook his head, wishing he could remember for sure. He sighed, shrugged and led the horse as far into the wadi as he could.
I thought he aleady did.
He pulled the saddle and the saddle bags from the beast's back and returned to Mozenrath.
Alladin: Here, put these on.
Mozenrath had not moved during his absence.
And he would have, why? How? Which when and where to?
Aladdin tended to the rest of his wounds
Alladin now has bad grammar related injuries
then offered Mozenrath some water. Mozenrath drank eagerly and Aladdin had to force him to stop.
"Not too much, this is all I have until we reach a well. The closest one is over a day's ride away; more than that on foot."
Mozenrath looked up. "I know of a well not far from here. Two, maybe three hours' walk." His eyes glinted a moment, but Aladdin let it pass as pain.
Alladin’s not… no, wait. He is that stupid. Sorry.
"Where?"
Mozenrath gestured toward the west. "There."
Alladin: That’s a wall, not a well
Mozenrath: Beyond the wall, idiot!
Aladdin climbed the sloping sides of the wadi and looked westward. The sun was quickly going down, and they wouldn't get far.
Why? They can’t go straight in one direction in slight darkness?
He turned South,
It’s not just south, it’s South!
towards Agrabah and home.
Those are two separate things? Since when?
He debated it a moment; Agrabah was three days away, riding at a trot. It would take five, maybe six at a walk.
Sure, let’s drag the evil murderer home.
Alladin: I made him follow me home. Can I keep him?
They would need water.
Agrabah and home or Alladin, Mozenrath, and Xerexes? Maybe all those random ‘hims’ would need some too.
He came to a decision and descended into the wadi again.
Took him long enough.
"We'll stay here for the night, then visit this well of yours. Once we get water, we'll set out for Agrabah." He set about gathering what little wood could be found to build a fire.
Desert don’t have wood, dumbass!
Mozenrath smiled and cocked an eyebrow at Xerxes.
Which, to us readers, could mean he knows Martians are landing on the pyramids.
"You won't regret it, Aladdin."
There are three people here. Which one is talking to Alladin?
Aladdin looked up from laying the wood from the fire. "Oh, I'm sure will." He brought out his flint and steel from his belt when Mozenrath spotted what hung else hung there.
Um… that sounds really, really wrong.
He sat forward, hissing in pain and flung up his hand.
For no apparent reason at all, just to hurt himself and wave his arm in the air
His face twisted as he stared at the bleached white digits of bone.
"How dare you!" he shouted,
Quite easily. What? You didn’t expect your archenemy render you harmless while you were passed out?
then fell back as the pain became unbearable, forcing him back.
I doubt he’d fall back when the pain forced him forward.
"Give it back!"
"Not yet, Mozenrath. I'll return it after we get to Agrabah. Not before."
And Disney promotes women’s lib. Sure ya will.
Mozenrath's eyes narrowed to slits
So he’s a cat now?
as Aladdin began striking the flint against the steel. Mozenrath twisted his fingers and fire blazed from the wood.
Considering that Aladdin was trying to light it with a flint, that’s not really indicative of magic.
"I'm not completely helpless without it, Aladdin, make no mistake."
Yes, you can set his shoe one fire. I’ll be he’s super scared.
Aladdin fell back before the sudden blaze, eyes wide. "I'll have to remember that."
That sounds like he telling the readers there’s going to be a test at the end of the fic
Mozenrath leant back exhausted, and clutching his side.
"…ow…grammar… painful…"
Aladdin offered meat and bread, which the sorcerer turned down. Aladdin left them within reach, dividing the meat and tossing some to Xerxes.
"So, Mozenrath, what happened?" he asked as he wrapped himself in his cloak.
Did Aladdin stop at a garage sale recently? Where’d he get all this non-Aladdin crap he’s wearing and carrying around.
Since when dos he make small talk with someone who’s probably going to strangle him in his sleep?
When Mozenrath looked at him blankly, he gestured at the sorcerer's wounds. "This."
‘This’ would imply that the wounds are on Aladdin. I hope they aren’t. Things are vague enough without strange moving wounds.
Mozenrath: There’s this thing called gravity…
He gestured upwards, at the top of the wadi. "My horse was spooked by a basilisk.
I’m not sure those actually exist in this universe
Stupid beast. It threw me and I went over the cliff."
Basilisks are SMALL. Unless it was a jumping basilisk, it couldn’t have spooked the horse that much.
Aladdin looked up then back at the sorcerer. He smiled an ironic smile then shook his head. "I know you, Mozenrath;
No, you don’t.
you'd never get caught out here like this just by falling off a cliff.
Like what? Injured?
What really happened?"
Mozenrath gave Aladdin a disgusted look. "Have it your way, Aladdin. I jumped off the cliff for the fun of it. I've always wanted to experience the agony of death by dehydration first hand."
Considering Mozenrath, that actually makes more sense. Heck, ‘I was attacked by a giant mutant watermellon monster, and just as I killed it, I tripped on a vine’ works better.
He looked away.
Why?
"Why bother riding when you can use your powers to take you anywhere you want to go?"
Maybe he wants to conserve his magic for something, like you.
Aladdin insisted.
Yes, he insists the plot can’t be like that.
So do I.
Mozenrath was caught off guard a moment, then his face assumed that smug quality that drove others mad.
It doesn’t ‘Drive people mad’ it ‘pisses the hell out of people.’
"You win. I was going to Keshvar."
Aladdin sat up. "The Land of Efreets?"
You mean obvious exposition?
Mozenrath nodded. He looked at Aladdin with heavy-lidded eyes. "Yes. One can't get there using magic. I hardly wanted to trudge through the desert on foot."
Most people don’t want to trudge through a desert on ANYTHING.
Aladdin jumped up and scanned the top of the wadi.
Either he’s a good jumper, or that wasn’t much of a fall.
"We're not--"
"Sit down, Aladdin; you're making me dizzy,"
How, exactly?
Mozenrath ordered. He put a hand to his head.
Fear my psychic powers!
Aladdin turned on him. He grabbed Mozenrath's tunic and pulled him up.
Is he still all the way up on the top, or what?
"Are we still in Keshvar?"
Okay, not only does Aladdin take leisurely rides in the desert to absolutely nowhere for several days with limited supplies, but he gets lost and wins up in dangerous territory as well.
Mozenrath gasped. He grabbed Aladdin's arm as Xerxes hissed and flew at his master's attacker. Aladdin batted him away. "No!" Mozenrath said through clenched teeth. Aladdin released him and he fell back gasping like in pain. Aladdin straightened and loomed over Mozenrath.
Try as he might—and he never even tries—Aladdin does not ‘loom’
"No," the sorcerer repeated. "The borders of Keshvar end some distance from here." He winced and glared at Aladdin.
At the same time?
Aladdin studied the other a moment
The other what?
before squatting near the fire. He stirred it up. He sat back and wrapped himself into his cloak.
What cloak? Since when did Aladdin have a cloak? Why? On;y rich people, usually bad guys, have cloaks around here.
"This well of yours. It doesn't lie inside Keshvar, does it?"
"No, it's not in Keshvar. It's perfectly safe." He smiled down at Xerxes as he stroked the eel; a secret smile that Xerxes returned.
How is it secret? Aladdin can obviously see it.
Aladdin eyed the two warily but said nothing more.
Al: Get a room you two?
He continued to watch the cliffs until the fire died down and the moon rose above the cliffs. It silvered
That’s a verb?
the wadi and picked out Mozenrath's pale features.
Man, he moon is very picky about who it shines on and how.
The sorcerer had fallen into the sleep of the exhausted; fitful and filled with pain.
Not to mention cliches
Finally, Aladdin, too, slipped into sleep.