Okay, who’s dumbassed idea was it that the best way to cheer up some guy who’s afflicted with the entire index of a book on personality disorders is to give him something cold, scaly and slimy?
He seems more appreciative than I expected, but I still hear gunshots in the middle of the night. I swear I‘m getting him a quieter gun. If I have to put up with this crap, I’m damn well going to be sleeping through it.
Well, the first three didn’t last that long. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing and I don’t want to dwell on the experience, even when drunk.
I’m not sure why anyone would go near an iguana, let alone OWN one except to sic it on the IRS, but Cloud thought it was great—even after it bit him and did some kinda of lizard BDSM on him.
It was surprisingly quiet for two days and I thought I’d gone deaf.
Then Cloud asked Vincent how the pet was going and Vincent answered ‘tastes like chicken.’
‘Yeah, I heard—HEY!’ Cloud yelled, proving to me that my hearing was indeed fine—until then. ‘Vincent!’
‘He started it,’ Vincent said. I think I’m not going to piss that guy off anytime soon… or have lunch with him for a few days.
Then there was the snake.
This lasted about a day… actually, it could still be around, I keep hearing screams from mice on occasion in the ducts… but I haven’t technically SEEN it since it crawled into Vincent’s shirt and I think he had a heart attack for something. Then the thing snaked off under the bed.
Well, at last my plane’s rodent-free. Maybe it’ll get big enough and eat these morons.
Then there was the skink. This one was kinda cute for a cold-blooded critter with no manners and looked like a freak show. I guess that’s why they got it for Vincent.
It thought he was letting these things out on purpose, but I found there was a giant hole in the damn…whatever it is you put scaly things in.
Anyway, when Yuffie found it munching on a spider the size of her shuriken while lounging in her drawers—I mean THOSE drawers—she caused a small one-idiot riot.
Between her and the damn lizard, I rescued the lizard. I left it with Shera and she says the house hasn’t been cleaner. She hasn’t said that since a week after I left… I hope she hasn’t given it my room.
Well, then there was the last of the lizard, thankfully.
Unfortunately, Yuffie ‘found’ some giant fucker that smelled like it chain-smoked, must have been part garbage disposal, part tablesaw, and part sewer. Yuffie had a strange bit mark on her leg when she showed up with it and was missing a sock.
Well, first the thing ate all the food. Then it ate Vincent’s shoes and part of the damn wall. Then it ate the bed.
These damn idiots didn’t think it was a problem until we had to spent three hours prying Vincent’s hand from it’s digestive track and Cloud was complaining that he was going through chocobos faster than potions.
We fired at it, but nothing happened. I think t ate the bullets.
Yuffie tried the broom, but it ate that. Then it ate my spear when we tried to shoo it out with that. Monster-proof my ass.
Then the damn thing belched at us and the three of us were unconscious for an hour.
I think Cloud decided to level against it for a while, but it kicked his ass. I wanted to throw it at Sephiroth, but I was running out of plane at the time.
We finally got rid of it by throwing a large slab of meat out the window and the thing took off after it. Did I mention we were in the air at the time?
What the fuck exactly is a Komodo Dragon anyway? I say Hojo messed with it before we go to it. At least I hope so, because I don’t want to think about those things bein’ natural.
Meanwhile Cait Sith seems to have run off, not wanting to do any work. I’m hoping he was eaten.
Man, compared to that thing my cigarettes smell like a bunch of fucking roses.