"It’s all right, Mr. Valentine. No one’s going to hurt you," Dr. Hayes said, closing the door. "I’m not even allowed to touch you without your permission. Please, sit down and I can explain things."
Vincent looked around, wondering where he’d feel safest. There was a couch by the wall and chairs in front of a desk. He opted for the couch.
"I’m going to ask you some questions, Mr. Valentine. You’re free to refuse to answer any of them, I just want you to answer me honestly if you do," she said, sitting in a chair. "You’re free to ask any of your own questions, of course. I’m also going to give you a few pamphlets to read at the end of the session, it’s nothing horrible, just some things to help you with your panic attacks. Please, make yourself comfortable."
Vincent didn’t move. He just wished he’d had some socks, his feet were suddenly very cold in the office, which suddenly seemed cramped.
"Mr. Valentine, I can safely say, purely from what the doctors have observed, you have PTSD. Do you know what that is?"
Vincent nodded.
"What I have here, Mr. Valentine, is a checklist of symptoms you display. Would you rather fill this out yourself?"
Vincent nodded and she handed the clipboard to her. He read it carefully and checked off a few more things, then handed it back. "I’m not insane, am I?"
"What? No. No, Mr. Valentine, you are not insane. This is a form of anxiety, not insanity. Now, I’ve read the notes your friend mailed in with your insurance. You must have been very concerned to retrieve things like that, Mr. Valentine. Especially to get the entire collection of them. However, there is something I don’t understand. Are you comfortable talking about things before all that happened?"
"What are you writing down?"
"I’m sorry, does it bother you that I’m taking down notes?"
"I don’t want any more notes on me."
"That’s fine. I’ll stop," she said, throwing her notes in the trash.
"I’m sorry."
"There’s no need to apologize, Mr. Valentine. You’re free to request it. Mr. Valentine, can you tell me who Lucrecia is?"
"Lucrecia…" he whispered, then broke down sporadically in tears. "I killed her! I killed Lucrecia! She asked me to, and all I wanted was to go home and she said she was in pain. I don’t know how I got there. There was just this dream and I’m in the snow and she kept asking me to. I couldn’t help it; I just wanted to make her happy.
"I shot her, and then… and then… and then she healed, except it wasn’t her anymore. I killed Lucrecia and then she was Jenova and now… and now… she wants to kill me. Please don’t put me away. I’m not insane. You said so. And Cid.
"I don’t want to go anywhere, I just want to go home. I just had this dream and she asked me to. She was in pain, please believe me. I didn’t know Jenova would survive, I didn’t know she’d try to kill me. I just wanted to go home. Please, just let me go home. I don’t want to be locked away."
"Mr. Valentine? Mr. Valentine, it’s all right. Here." She shoved a box of tissues towards him, but he ignored them. "Mr. Valentine, no one’s going to take you anywhere."
"I didn’t know she would… I just wanted to make Lucrecia happy. She asked me to. Fuck, I killed Lucrecia… Why did she have to want to die?"
"Mr. Valentine, how much of this was a dream?"
"Just… I saw Lucrecia and she was in some cave with ice everywhere and she was asking me to help her. She said she was in pain and there wasn’t anything powerful enough to kill her but my Death Penalty—my gun.
"She gave it to me a long time ago. She was hiding and she said the Jenova in her wouldn’t let her die. I thought she was dead. I thought… I yelled at Hojo because I thought he’d killed her.
"She was just her asking for help, and then I’m not at home with Cid anymore. I’m in the snow and I don’t know how I got there. I… I started climbing up to a cave and when I wondered what I was doing, the dream came back and then I’m in the cave and Lucrecia’s there.
"She’s covered in Jenova stuff and she says she needs help. She asked me to. It was Lucrecia, I couldn’t… she said she was in pain. I couldn’t let Lucrecia be in pain, even if it meant she wanted to die. I failed her before.
"Then it was Jenova. I’d killed Lucrecia… I killed Lucrecia and Jenova has her. She should be in peace, she shouldn’t be some alien’s toy or… or hurt me anymore."
Dr. Hayes waited for a minute before asking her next question. "The dream was just when you were going to her, correct?"
Vincent nodded. "Then Jenova tried to kill me. I set Jenova free. I killed Lucrecia and set Jenova free."
"You said you failed her and that you confronted Hojo for her. How did you fail her? Did you know her previously?"
"I… I loved her. I loved her so much. But she liked Hojo and they were married soon and all I could do was watch them. They were so happy; she was so in love. Even he was smiling and… nicer.
"Then… Then he wanted to… to use her in an experiment. He wanted to use Jenova cells. I really didn’t know the details, but I couldn’t stand the thought of her… of anyone being an experiment. She was a human. Hell, I loved her, too. Neither of them stopped it and then… one day… I heard she died. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t save her from him. I was so mad I ran into the lab and started screaming… and he shot me. He just looked at me like he usually did when I yelled at him… like he just wanted me to shut up. But then he had this weird expression, like I was suddenly something really interesting and then I’m strapped to a table."
"You said she told you Jenova wouldn’t let her die, though."
"I thought she was dead. Everyone else heard she was dead. I saw her, later. She was hiding. She said Jenova wouldn’t let her die, but later that that was all she wanted. I reached to her, but she didn’t want me to touch her.
"This is what her husband did to me. The man she loved did this to me and… and… and she hated me. She didn’t want me to touch her. Then she left. We didn’t see her anywhere outside and we went back inside. She left me the Death Penalty.
"She’s finally dead and I killed her."
"Were you ever in control of anything—what you were doing, what you saw—when Jenova tried to take over?"
"No."
"And you’ve never had dreams like that before?"
"I had a night terror once," Vincent said blankly, looking at his arm, wishing he could put his prosthetic on again.
"I read about that. No, that doesn’t seem to fit. Do you remember the dream you had?"
"No."
"But you remember the dream about Lucrecia?"
"Yes. Vividly. I can tell you where she had ice on her, which eye was scarred and what the Jenova looked like."
"Then I don’t think those dreams were your doing. Did anyone else you know of ever try to hurt you?"
"Not me personally. I did defend some Shinra projects."
"Outside of battle, have you ever tried to hurt anyone else? Or yourself?"
"Once. Myself. I don’t feel that way anymore."
"Do you know you bit four people? You also injured three others throwing something."
"I’m sorry."
"No, Mr., Valentine, you’re not here to apologize; I just wanted to know why you did that. You said you didn’t intend to hurt anyone else. Did you have flashbacks?"
"Yes. Everything reminded me of being stuck in that lab. All the needles and IVs, the drugs especially, and the vomit."
"Did you ever bite Dr. Hojo in defense?"
"I couldn’t. I was always drugged and defenseless and all I could do was lie there and drool while he did stuff. I just… reacted because I could. I couldn’t do anything back then."
"Do you know what caused the panic attacks you had?"
"Everything…?"
"You didn’t seem to have any attacks when you’re friends were with you."
"I was always alone in the lab. Except for Hojo."
"What’s your relationship with them?"
"Cid and I… are together. Shera lives with us. He’s really a nice guy. I think the doctors told him to stop smoking, so he’s a bit pissed. More than usual, I mean."
"He’s always mad?"
"Only at the doctors."
"He seems very worried about you. There aren’t any problems between you two?"
"He thinks I’m mopey and should cheer up."
"Sounds like he’s just concerned about you."
"He doesn’t think I’m insane, does he? He told me I’m not, but… but I don’t want him to leave me."
"Someone who insisted you didn’t need a psychiatrist wouldn’t think you’re insane. Why do you keep bringing that up?"
"Because I don’t want to be insane," Vincent said, again bursting into tears. "I… I don’t feel sane all the time. I feel like I’m losing it, or think that maybe I’ve already lost it. And then… and then I have nightmares.
"I’m screaming and crying. I don’t want to go anywhere and all I want is Cid. But no one understands and they don’t listen. There’s a doctor trying to talk to me, saying things aren’t real and he doesn’t know what I’m screaming about and that it won’t hurt. There’s a nurse taking off my clothes and changing me into a white gown with no buttons or zippers or anything I can choke on.
"No one comes, no matter who I’m screaming for. All I’m screaming about is that I don’t want to go anywhere and that I’m scared and no one listens. I just want to go home but all they have for me are restraints and needles and wires.
"I don’t want to be insane. I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be locked up. I’m not the one who’s insane. Hojo is. He is, he did all this to me. It hurt! He’s the one who’s insane! …Isn’t he?"