"Well that SUCKED," Yuna said.
They had talked to every NPC ten times over, played every mini-game, finished every side-quest, tried every door, bookcase, suitcase, closet, drawer, shelf, toy, bed, lawn ornament, and even a lawn mower for items or secrets, and visited every place in every geographic location. As long as it took to do all these things, the whole excursion was made twice as long due to the fact that Seymour threw himself at every opportunity to kill himself he came upon—or just imagined.
"Put the nightshade down, you already tried that three times," Yuna said.
"Fine," Seymour complained, throwing it over his shoulder.
"Maybe we should try combos," Paine said.
"You mean like tacos and burgers? " Rikku asked.
Everyone stared at her for an entire minute.
"I’m hungry. It’s been just before noon for six days—sort of."
"No, I’ve already tried giving myself a heart attack," Seymour said. "In fact, I think I’ve tried to kill myself in every way known to man, woman, and everything in between."
"Of which species?" Rikku asked.
"Uh, I was about to explain—" Paine said.
"No, you see, technically we’re all different races, not species, since we can all not only interbreed, as proved by both me and Yuna, but also those mixes can propagate their own genes to future generations. If we were all different species most likely Yuna and I would not exist or at least last beyond the age of six—if we did survive childbirth, a slim chance were we different species, we’d probably die before the age of three. If we did live to adult hood, our badly matching chromosomes would make it impossible to have children."
Yuna and Paine stood back, expecting a burst of blood and brains as Rikku’s head exploded again, but instead she just stopped bouncing up and down.
"Actually, that would be ‘Yuna and I.’ It’s a rule of grammar to put the other person first."
"If you’re done, can we look for—" Yuna tried.
"I meant—" Paine tried to inervene.
"You’re right. I’m not sure how I could have forgotten that," Seymour said.
"I stole ‘Elements of Style,’" Rikku said. "It’s really helpful."
"Let me see that, I want to check a few things," Seymour said.
"Here ya go," Rikku said, handing the book to him.
"EXCUSE ME?" Yuna and Paine said.
"Why?" Rikku asked.
"I was going to explain what I meant by combos," Paine yelled.
"I want to find the plot!" Yuna exclaimed loudly.
"I wanna know why Seymour wants to kill himself!" Rikku shouted.
"Huh?" Paine and Yuna asked.
"What? I’m bored and he keeps trying to shake my hand when I’m holding or wearing anything sharp."
"That would explain why he wanted to hug me when I was a dark knight," Paine said.
"You’re Batman?" Rikku asked. "No wonder no one knows your secret identity."
"Hey, Seymour," Paine said. "Before this turns any more stupid—give me that book! You can’t grammar yourself to death!"
"You sure about that?" he asked.
"Look, just tell us why you want to kill yourself, go easy on the philosophy, and use small words."
"This… plot…sucks."
None of the girls said anything.
"Big time," Seymour said.
"That’s it?" Yuna asked. "You wanna die ‘cause the plot sucks?"
"Yes."
"Oh, okay," Rikku said and went back to bouncing up and down.
"I can’t see why—" Paine said, then looked at Yuna and Rikku. "Okay, I can see why it would be irritating. But why do you want to kill yourself."
"You want to destroy the world, don’t you?" Yuna accused.
"Actually, I want out of this plot. I just showed up and I’m not really in any team, so it’s hard to fight anything, and you’d have to look at the world map with a microscope just to find the country I started in."
"Ha!" Yuna said. "You’re nothing but a secret character! You’re not the main character, I am! Thus I control all causality! The world is mine!"
"Says the woman who began her pilgrimage on Beseid."
"Damn," Yuna said, realizing if anyone looked at a world map, they’d first try to brush Beseid off, assuming if was a crumb.
"Then explain why you’re here! And why the world doesn’t end when you do! And why you can’t get a party!" Yuna shouted.
"Okay, knock it off with the exclamation marks, first."
"Hows this"
"Use punctuation."
"This better?"
"Much. Now I’m here obviously against my own will, so it must be some sort of destiny thing, possibly bending the laws of time a few of physics."
"But I’m the only one who bends physics, not you," Yuna said.
"Well then why the hell am I here?"
"I need a coat rack?"
"You don’t own a coat," Rikku said.
"Considering the farplane, and the fact that I’m not there now and the whole Fayth thing, I’d definitely have to blame destiny on this one," Seymour said.
"Destiny doesn’t exist," Yuna said.
"Actually, it’s merely the manipulation of one person in causality to other events. If one understands the basics of the theory of special and general relativity, it is possible for fate or destiny to exist, however to understand how such things work, one would need to employ an eleven, not four dimensional—"
"I’ll dimension you!" Yuna said. "Shut up, I don’t want to know anymore. You’re taking all the magic out of it!"
"But I hadn’t gotten anywhere near the workings of metaphysics on the properties of dark matter."
Paine grabbed Rikku and ran off before Rikku’s head exploded.
Seymour kept talking. "As to why the world doesn’t end, I’m obviously dying incorrectly."
"Dying incorrectly?" Yuna asked.
"The more a Final Fantasy world becomes aware of physics, the more physics work and the more our world adheres to them, and certain things become obsolete. Such as, Tidus wouldn’t actually step off a cliff, no matter how many times he tried to move forward, right?"
"Yeah, so?"
"So now that higher physics are being employed, such a thing is proven impossible so now can’t happen, however, since apparently the world relies on the main character dying in battle, not from ingesting nightshade, banging his head on a wall, lighting himself on fire, or walking off a cliff, there must be safeguards set by the universe to prevent a flawed fatality, thus breaking not only the laws complicated by higher physics, but those of metaphysics and spirituality as well."
"When did spirituality play a part in all this?" Yuna asked.
"Um hello, there’s this huge thing called a farplane. You pushed my dad back into it! It’s the biggest tourist attraction next to Zanarkand."
"Oh, right. I just thought the way the world now might have changed."
"Since when?"
"I don’t know, I just thought the sequel would work differently than the prequel."
"Why would that happen? There are thousands of lives, each with their own stories, in Spira. Time and such doesn’t just stop and take an organization break just because one person left. Destiny is a shift in the movement and flow of time affected by thousands of different events, places, and people, merely seeming to revolve around one person only at the end! What about everyone else?"
"Everyone else is an NPC and they never notice much of anything that doesn’t have to do with the one sentence they keep saying over and over."
"Good point, and that does explain where physics reorganized itself with the laws of universal spirituality, but science has found that NPC s are far smarter than they appear."
"That’s only a theory."
"Well, the universe is still imposing the same principles as always, we are just more aware of them and now we know how to do more things and are capable of things we never were capable before. Instead of no longer being able to jump off a cliff and thus surviving because you never jumped off, one jumps off, but returns to existence afterwards because we live in a universe where cliffs are not permanently lethal."
"You jumped off twenty-nine cliffs to figure that out?"
"Okay, so there was a lot of trial and error. And I got bored and read a whole bunch of physics books to see if I could make a bomb powerful enough to send an immortal to the farplane."
"Well, if this is Final Fantasy, explain why you haven’t gotten into anyone’s party."
"Hey, I’m the main character here, people join my party. I just haven’t recruited people into my party yet. So far I’ve just been wandering around trying to kill myself, but apparently, that’s not what the plot wants me to do. At least not until it’s all been played out, sides and secrets and details and all."
"So why don’t you just go along with the plot instead of trying to kill yourself?"
"I told you, it sucks and I want out."
"But you have to, you’re destined to play it out no matter what, unless of course you’re not the main character."
"I am the main character. I’m just trying to use my powers over causality to escape all this."
"You mean a loophole?"
"I mean something so obvious it’s stupid not to have done it beforehand."
"Come on, let’s go find Rikku and Paine," she said and started walking.
Seymour sighed.
"I guess. Apparently you’re connected to the plot, so maybe if I go along a bit more I’ll find a way out of it by acting smarter than usual heroes."
"Of course I’m connected to the plot. I’M the main character."
"No you’re not. You’re the love interest, which I have yet to figure out if the plot wants me to get back together with or if I’m going to realize I don’t actually need you and I later find someone else who actually makes my life meaningful."
"I am not a love interest. No, wait, I am. I’m just not yours and I never will be."
"Does Paine have a boyfriend?"
"No."
"Girlfriend?"
"No."
"Well, that kills that fantasy."