"That’s your map?" Seymour asked.

"What wrong NOW?" Yuna complained. "Physics says it clashes with the walls or something?"

"We are taking over your airship!" LeBlanc yelled from the hallway.

"No, you’re not," Yuna said, slamming the door on her.

"Where’s the rest of it?" Seymour asked.

"What do you mean, where’s the rest of it?" Yuna asked. "There is no rest of the map. This is all there is. Man, you are more spoiled than me—but don’t let that get to you head, ‘cause I’m the main character, not you."

Seymour actually ignored her for once on that point. "No, I mean, where are the poles, the other continents, the little funny holes cut out because turning a sphere into a rectangle is impossible."

"Spheres come in rectangles?" Rikku asked.

"No, you see, that’s all there is," Yuna said, pointing tot he map. "There is no ‘rest.’ This is it, Seymour."

"But that’s not possible," he said. "Are there walls or something at the edges preventing further exploration?"

"No, we just end up on the other side," Yuna said. "Keep going north and eventually you end up in the south and still going north."

"But that’s not possible," Seymour said. "You see, the world is round."

"No it’s not," Yuna said. "See, flat. Like it is on the picture."

"No, large objects in space, like planets are round."

"Well this is a flat planet."

"Flat planets don’t exist!"

"Well this one does!"

"First, this isn’t a flat planet, it’s a donut-shaped planet," Seymour said. "Is you keep going west and you end up in the east, still going west, that means those sides are continuous connections of each other. If you keep going north and end up in the south going north, that means those are continuous connections of each other. In a normal, round planet, you would go over the North-South poles and end up going in the opposite direction. Once you cross the North Pole, you’d be going south, not north anymore. To still be going north, you have to cross over the other pole and continue north, and the only possible way that can happen is in an impossible donut-shaped planet."

"I like donuts," Rikku said.

Paine slapped her head, though was grateful there had been no explosion.

"That leads me to the next thing wrong with this: there are no poles. Where are the colder parts on the world at the north and south?"

"We already have a cold place," Yuna said. "Why do we need another one?"

"Yuna, a planet is not a catalog of different terrains that doesn’t repeat products."

"I don’t follow."

"Yuna, geography doesn’t choose turns at being different form one another in different places."

"I don’t follow."

"It’s a freaking planet!" Seymour said. "Geography depends on sunlight, water, evaporation rate, rain shadows, gravel contents, and wind. It does not care what the other locations are like and decides to be different."

"I don’t follow."

"You are not making this easy," Seymour said.

"We’re supposed to make it easy for people to explain things?" Rikku asked.

"Well, at last SOMEONE gets what I’m saying," Seymour said.

"Not really," Rikku said.

"At least tell me why there’s only one continent!" Seymour said. "And the carbonate-silicate cycle is essential to life and can only be perpetuated with Volcanoes, of which there are none in Spira."

"You’re telling us we need to save the world with rocks now?" Paine asked.

"Does the term ‘plate tectonics’ mean anything to you?"

Everyone shrugged.

"Is that a sidequest I missed?" Yuna asked.

"The planet has a molten lava core under the crust. The crust moves on top of that. On occasion the molten lava exerts pressure, releasing it up through the crust, spouting out hot lava, which—"

"You’re just trying to make this a hentai," Rikku said.

"And you’re just interrupting before I say enough information before I blow your head apart. Look: planet. Planet is round. Round planet goes around the sun—"

"No it doesn’t," Yuna said. "The world revolves around me."

"Oh it’s always about you, isn’t it?"

"Of course it is. Everything’s about me."

"Not the solar system!" Seymour yelled

"Of course it is," Yuna said, rahter smugly.

"You are not the center of the solar system. The word is in a heliocentric solar system, the galaxy spins around a black hole, other universal objects have nothing to do with you. If the planet did not release something in the form of molten rock it’d freeze and cool beyond the point of sustaining life, the world has poles and seasons because it is at a tilt as it spins around the sun and different parts get different angles of sunlight at different parts of the year. Your map is—"

Rikku's and Paine's heads exploded.

"What is wrong with these people?"

"I dunno. They didn’t do this until you showed up."

"I take it I’m the only one who tries to make sense out of anything."

"And that would be what’s wrong with you. And why you’re not the main character. Main characters don’t try to make sense of anything."

"Tidus did."

"And now I’m the main character because he asked too many questions," Yuna said. "I’ll be right back." She opened the door to the hallway. "LeBlanc, you got a mop in there or—"

"We are taking over your airsh—"

"Oh shut up," Yuna said and slammed the door closed.

"Maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong," Seymour said.

"DUH!" Yuna said. "It’s a world map. Stop bitching about it and tell me where the damn plot is before I… um…"

"Threats don’t really work on the suicidal, do they?"

"Actually, I’m just not creative," she said. "I kinda wait for things to happen to me, I don’t actually choose things."

"Well killing me certainly seemed to be a choice you came to independently."

"I was... forced into it…it was Auron’s idea, really."

"Well, when I’m dead I’m going to have to have a talk with him. I don’t like people playing with my feelings that way."

"I can’t believe you just said that!"

"Why, you don’t think men can get offended when people play with their feelings like that?"

"Men can’t say that!" Yuna said. "That’s a girly thing!"

"With all the cross-dressing and gender ambiguity in Final Fantasy, you’re going to tell me I’m too girly?"

"Well, you are!" Yuna said. "Now stop it."

"You dated Tidus and you’re calling me girly?"
"Well, you’re the one in the dress!"

"Auron wore a dress too."

"Well, he… uh…"

"And Issaru, and Mika, and Kinoc, and your father and three fourths of the male population on Spira. And the Luca Goers wore corsets as did most Ronso—"

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"You!"

"Coatrack!"

"Wuss!"

"Crossdresser!"

"Loser!"

"Idiot!"

"Rinoa!"

"You take that back!"

"Make me!"

"Help!" LeBlanc cried, interrupting them. "I’m stuck with these NPC’s here and none of them are wearing any pants!"

"Aaaa!" Yuna yelled. "I forgot to interact with the airship and the people on it. I probably missed a ton of secrets and a bunch of gil and how to speak Al Behd!"

"What do you care?" Seymour asked in the doorway. "The secrets only get you five percent and reward you with five seconds of extra footage that makes Titanic look like the greatest action movie of the year, you already have enough gil to buy the whole of Spira over three times over from the last game, and Rikku already speaks Al Behd," Seymour said, turning to leave out of a different door, so as to avoid the pantsless NPC’s.

"Where are you going?"

"Well it was either argue with you over gender and sexuality confusion of my race’s traditional clothes and be insulted by an ex-girlfriend who turns out the be a closet racist worse than Wakka, or go off on my own, forget about you and start my life over, seeking and worthwhile purpose and plot that will not doubt get me killed."

"You said ‘plot’ right? I heard ‘plot.’ No take backs!"

"You know you make ME think I was a moron for asking you to marry me."

"Is that the plot?"

"Look!" he said, pointing at the ceiling. "Shiny!"

"Where?"

Seymour left.

"I don’t see anything shiny."

"Yuna!" LeBlanc complained. "I don’t know what they’re saying and I have to go to the bathroom and I think they’re hitting on me! Open the door, please."

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